Dear Mr. Haberny,
After sending back your zip lock bag of gold painted rocks that you considered "14 karat gold nuggets found on a soul searching pilgrimage in Tibet with a quadriplegic hooker you picked up in Singapore", we find it is truly unfortunate that you can not understand the concept of "Do Not Contact Us Again".
Your fraudulent attempt to extort money from our seasoned geologists (who are experts in identifying precious metals) has forced us to take extreme action; this is your final warning before we contact the authorities. Your "rocks" have shown up in our inventory three times now. We will no longer attempt to return them, but will keep them as evidence. You are not entitled to any money, especially the ludicrous amount of $1,423,061.92 you demanded for your Cash 4 Gold payment. Your petition for an "ungreased, backdoor; Hammertime lovemaking session" with our telemarketer's Carol and Tracy is feral and preposterous. Your absurd request to be reimbursed for postage ($167.45, $138.33 & $142.73) is unwarranted and completely illicit. As a reminder Mr. Haberny, Ed McMahon passed away June 23, 2009. It is not only disrespectful but also utterly moronic to request that he host your birthday party at McDonalds.
This is the last time that we will be in contact with you.
(Insert Chicken Scratch Here)